The last few days have been difficult for me. Willow has been teething which for her means a fever, plenty of drool, and a high need for arms and attention. Although all my efforts seem for naught when she continues to cry in my arms no matter what I do! Ayden, possibly because he senses the tension in me or because he has been getting less one-on-one attention, has been intense and into everything. I can’t let him out of my sight for more than a minute or he is drinking the hose water (not always ok in Mexico), carrying the cat by the neck, beating the plants with a stick until all the leaves fall off. Ben has been busy as well. We turned over the house we had been renting (the old location of La Taza Negra) which meant moving the last of our things over to the Maya house, putting some furniture back in order, and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning! Being interrupted with orders for coffee (hooray!!) and keeping tabs on the construction at the Maya house has had him running left and right and left again!
Underlying all is a sense of getting tired of the “treading water” phase that I have been in for the last month. I just want to get into the house and DO SOMETHING!! I am tired of lists, boxes, dreams, Pinterest.
Everything culminated yesterday in the worst possible way. I was trying to get lunch on the table and Willow was getting cranky so I hurrying when Ayden woke up from his nap and all he wanted to do was cuddle. That was the LAST thing I wanted to do! But he would not wait and he wouldn’t take the 5 minutes I offered him. So I sat in the rocking chair with Ayden resting on my chest, Willow bouncing on my knees, lunch in process all over the counter and stove-top and tears running down my face. I did not want to stop to cuddle. “But,” I kept telling myself, “this is who I want to be! I want to be available, I want to love and take time anytime to cuddle.” No matter what I told myself I aspire to be like I could not make my frustration or tears go away. So there we sat for 30 minutes, the three of us, sweating and cuddling in the rocker.
I have been following a blog by Ann Voskamp, A Holy Experience, and in yesterday’s post she said something that resonated with me:
Grace is not soft or trite — Grace is what saves and grace is what transforms. Grace isn’t the weakness of a Christian — grace is the completeness of a Christian. Grace isn’t ever a paltry thing — Grace is always the very power of God.
I need that strong, power of God grace! I feel like I have been asking for it and searching for it everyday. And maybe that is the way it should be. I received a sweet email from my sister saying:
Psalm 39:7 “and now Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.” there’s no need to wait for hope or joy or love or peace- it’s all there in him and he’s here right now….
He is here. He is near to me. Where am I?
This has been the cry of my heart these last few days:
Psalm 85.8 “let me hear what God the LORD will speak, for He will speak peace to His people, to His saints; but let them not turn back to folly.”
I am constantly turning back to folly. I am always seeing things through my own eyes. I do not learn the lessons that I am taught over and over again. Or maybe it is part of this life to turn and return to truth? I am turning again.