Wow.. and what am I supposed to do? I keep reminding myself this is just a stage that he will grown out of. He’s just trying to figure out his boundaries, his capabilities, his world. And it’s not easy…
And he hit his sister on the head with a board. She’s screaming. Someone is at my door asking for food. Telling me how beautiful my son is. I look at his face smeared with snot, it’s solidified on his cheeks and in his ears and hair. I keep wiping his face with a wash cloth but that snot just reappears. A well meaning person walks in and gives me a toothbrush for my son. “We are handing them out to all the poor, underprivileged children.” Wait a minute… what? I wipe his face again.
“No, you can’t watch tractor videos right now.” A toy truck goes flying across the room as he collapses onto the floor in a heap, rolling back and forth crying. I take him to his room, sit him on his bed. I am trying hard to control my voice and my attitude.
He refuses to take a nap. He sits in his bed for an hour but no nap. So I let him get up. He walks into the kitchen and rips a toy away from Willow and she cries. What do I do? How do I “train him up” and “set boundaries” and “discipline in love” . . . So I sweep the kitchen and he’s trying to help with his child sized broom and I just don’t want his help. I am so frustrated and lost and the tears are streaming down my face and he’s singing little two year old melodies to break your heart.
My heart is broken. I am broken. I want to be a peaceful, grace filled mama. I want to be a safe haven, an anchor, arms wide open. But so often I am lost in selfishness and I don’t look for the joy and the blessing so all I see is the dark, cavernous face of my own inadequacies. I am trying to learn but I am a slow learner. Sometimes I wonder that I have been entrusted with these wee ones – how in heaven’s name am I supposed to lead these little hearts to Christ?
I guess that’s just it. I have to lead. I have to be on my way first, ahead of them on the road. Not having arrived, just pushing ahead – sometimes in the sun, sometimes lost in shadow, but still putting foot in front of weary foot. God’s grace is new every morning and don’t I know that I need it fresh like manna every morning! Enough for that day. Tomorrow is a new day and because I live in the tropics the sun will shine brightly, stream through my kitchen door, and I will try again to live a worthy life.
Stop. Breathe. Lift eyes to heaven. Give thanks. Look for the blessing. Smile. Laugh.