I haven’t been around here much these days… Not for lack of thoughts or lack of time. I think it must be that I am finally prioritizing some things a little bit. Early in the year I had this realization – one of those light bulbs blinking on – that a person does those things that are most important to her. One creates time and finds energy and makes room for the people and events and needs of life.
I am the kind of person who writes out long, detailed lists for all manner of things: shopping, projects, menus, tasks, tomorrow’s plans, next month’s plans, next year’s plans. But I seldom cross everything off my lists. The lists just pile up on my desk or in my shorts pocket, a nagging reminder that I still haven’t accomplished those things I want to do. I was pondering this one morning when the realization hit. Do I really want to do these things? Because if I did I would do them! Of course there are things that have to be done like laundry and baking for the cafe and meals. But I can find ways to adjust my priorities so that those things I really care about are not the items on the lists left uncrossed.
So I guess I’ve been spending more time playing with these two little kids and reading books and learning how to nourish our bellys and concentrating on Lent, preparing for this upcoming celebration of the greatest miracle. Not that I’ve figured out how to cross all these things off the lists.. there are so many emails left unanswered, trips to the beach put off for tomorrow, prayers left unprayed.
Running deep under all of this everyday life is the stress of ever changing tax and business laws, missing essential documents required of us by the city we live in, and the lawsuit against us for crossing the border with items that were not declared. We are receiving and sending documents, filing appeals, writing emails and waiting. Waiting seems to be the hardest part. Sometimes life seems just fine and we forget for a while that we are worried, scared, and insecure. We trust. But only for a little while. Then something rips and we split open and the results aren’t pretty and they cause hurt and confusion.
Why is it so hard to trust? I want to trust God. But that is not enough. Somehow, just like with my lists and priorities, I have to figure out how to actually trust. I haven’t figured that one out yet. But I am slowly, ever so slowly, edging my way nearer, still nearer to Him.