What to do when you can’t take one more step forward. . .

you take one more step anyway. That has been the last few days for me. Most of you know the story, but as I look back through my posts I realize that I never did get the story written and published here. At the time there was too much uncertainty to be able to spend the time in the details. There was only this. So for those of you who need a refresher…

In October of last year while I was traveling around the U.S. with the kids and Liliana, slowly making our way to Mexico, Ben and his father crossed the border into Mexico with a new coffee roaster and other equipment. They didn’t declare the equipment and were soon caught by a customs agent who promptly confiscated everything. They took the truck, the trailer, and everything inside. After a few painful and confusing days it became clear to us that we had made a huge mistake and there would be no simple solution to the situation. Now, almost a year later, we are still in a lawsuit with the Mexican federal government for the items that were confiscated, the truck and trailer which remain at the border as surety, and to battle the fines which amount to way more than we are able to pay.

I do not want to go into all the emotions and thoughts that have followed in the wake of this event. The embarrassment, bordering on humiliation, of telling our friends and family, our investors, that we had been cocky and cavalier, foolish. The uncertainty about even filing a lawsuit; after all it was our fault. The fear and anxiety about our future and the debts we have accrued. The months of depression and short fuses, unkind and explosive words. We don’t have to go over all that. Ben and I do that enough. Late at night when the kids are asleep and we’re having a glass of wine, relaxing in the relative cool of a tropical summer, we circle back to it again and again. Even last Wednesday night we went over the details, picking away at it like a scab on a wound that refuses to heal.

And after a sleepless night with little ones fighting coughs and sore throats, it was thrown back in our faces on Thursday morning. It is surreal to realize that life as I know it could be changed in an instant. I am ashamed to say that it took me a full 4 days to pull myself together, to stiffen up my upper lip, to put on the brave face and get back to business. Why is it so hard to throw myself on the mercy of Christ? Why can I not slip into the safe arms of a God who has promised victory through trials? I want to be there. I know there is rest there and fresh beginnings.

It’s not like I haven’t seen the faithfulness over and over again. All of the difficulties surrounding this situation have been surpassed by the incredible grace and mercy of Jesus. All the tough days have been balanced by incredible, fun days. The ugliness of the emotions and fears eclipsed by the radiance of the beauty that is this gift of life.

Reality is one thing and another depending on where you are looking, on what eyes you are using. This song was sent to us as an encouraging freedom-melody today. This was our afternoon of 3 bouncing, sometimes crying, promise.

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This was our dinner out. See that ocean; I live there. That stud of a hubby sitting next to me – 8 years and still growing strong!

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Reality is sometimes a great, big pachanga and sometimes it’s one foot in front of the other. And often it’s a bit of both.

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2 thoughts on “What to do when you can’t take one more step forward. . .

  1. Man, Alexa, it takes such courage to share struggles and trials and yet we all have them don’t we. I so appreciate your honesty and have an idea of how to pray for you guys. ❤

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